Thursday, August 28, 2008

Nuclear Fallout

I know I'm late on thisone, but since I knew she was going to post her response today I knew to scroll right past it and write mine before I read hers. So, we'll see if Tink & I agree at all about who survives the nuclear fallout.

Scenerio: You are trapped in a fallout shelter with
the other Homebloys who visit this blog. The instruments in the shelter indicate
that it will not be safe for your group to leave the shelter for six months.
Luckily, there is enough food, water, and other facilities to permit your group
to remain in the shelter for the required six months.There is a telephone in
your shelter that is linked to a fallout shelter in another city. One member of
your group just spoke with a person who is trapped in the other shelter and
reports the following information:

"There are nine people in the other shelter. After surveying their
provisions, it has become apparent that there is only enough water to keep four
members of that group alive the six months before it is safe to leave the
shelter."The other group realizes that five of its members will have to be put
out of the shelter so that those remaining will have a chance to live. However,
they have been unable to make the necessary decision as to who will be put out
of their shelter.The other group has asked you to make a decision on its behalf.
It has agreed to implement your decision immediately and without question.The
group in the other shelter consists of the following people:

1. A male carpenter, 25 years old.
2. A male biologist, 50 years old.
3. A female attorney, 40 years old.
4. A male minister, 40 years old.
5. A pregnant college student, 28 years old.
6. A female college student, 18 years old.
7. A male mental patient, 48 years old.
8. A female child, 6 years old.
9. A male physician, 72 years old.

Which four will you choose to remain in the shelter and why?

So... here is my VERDICT!!

Priority #1 - REPOPULATION
SURVIVOR #1 - Pregnant college student.
  1. WELL EDUCATED - At 28 years old she has probably completed several years of college or gained a healthy amount of life-experience before realizing the importance of education.
  2. FERTILE - Clearly she is young enough and capable of bearing children to repopulate the earth.
  3. GENETIC DIVERSITY - I am assuming the child is not fathered by one of the men present in the shelter, thus an extra set of DNA for future generations.
  4. AGE - I'm 28... I like her!!

SURVIVOR #2 - A female child.

  1. GENERATION GAP - The surviving women in their late 20's who are of child bearing age, will only have a little over 10 years to produce children. The resulting children will then need time to mature and develop before they can produce. Therefore, this 6 year old female will be able to reproduce about the same time a 28 year old will stop being able. Frankly, as sick as it might sound, it wouldn't matter as much when it comes to male children because their reproduction age is longer. I know... GROSS!!
  2. MORE GENETIC DIVERSITY - I am assuming by her age & the ages of the other members that she is probably not the child of one of the others. Though she very well could be, it is not specified.
  3. SHE'S A KID - Yeah, I know we should think about the logic and such. About how she will not be a contributing member of society, or how she will be a strain on the already stressed environment. You can get technical and tell me her chances of survival and yadda yadda yadda... but honestly, all logic aside. I will not be the heartless asshole who kills a 6-year-old (no offense if you took the logical route and killed the helpless think... you ASSHOLE!).

Priority #3 - SHELTER
Survivor #3 - A male carpenter

  1. EVEN MORE GENETIC DIVERSITY - You guessed it... again, assuming he's no relation to the other women. However, there are 9 survivors in my shelter who are probably not related to him.
  2. CARPENTRY - Yes, we COULD live in shacks and we WOULD find a way to create shelters. However, since the outside environment will likely be extremely hostile, it would be a plus that he has a little extra experience in that field.
  3. REPRODUCTION AGE - The youngest of the men present, I label him the most likely candidate to reproduce successfully.
  4. HE'S HOT! - Hell yes! I saw him working on that roof in the hot August sun with no shirt and the smooth tanned skin and the rippling muscles and ... I need a shower now! Who wouldn't want to be trapped in a fallout shelter with HIM!

Survivor #4 - (This was a tough one) A male physician
Reasons (hear me out on this one)

  1. HISTORICAL REFERENCE - It is important to preserve history in some sense or another. His life experience alone far excedes the others. While I realize that the years he has remaining are few, the knowledge in his mind is invaluable.
  2. MEDICAL CARE - Someone will need to have medical experience to care for the pregnant woman. Someone will need to help deliver and care for the child when it arrives. Initially, he will be able to care for survivors, and hopefully be able to pass his knowledge onto others so that they may care for future generations. This may help prevent stepping back to the 18th century when the life expectancy was slim and plagues ran rampid.

So there you have the survivors. Now for the ones I killed and more importantly, why they didn't make the cut!

  1. A male biologist, 50 years old. - While his skills and knowledge would be valuable and he is technically still of reproduction age for me (GROSS!). Biology is the study of life. Life tends to find a way. Plants will grow, organisms will survive. And while he could make this process work faster & help us to understand the process more... I don't want to think about the whole reproducing with the 20 somethings so he's DEAD!
  2. A female attorney, 40 years old. - I read ATTORNEY, marked her as USELESS and never gave her a second thought!
  3. A male minister, 40 years old. - While the masses MAY benefit from his spiritual guidance... I don't know him and he could be another DAVID KORESH. More people have died in the name of God than I care to count. He's probably a sweet old man, but I assure you the spiritual will let their voices be heard with or without his help.
  4. A female college student, 18 years old. - She's fucking HIGH. No life experience. Very little education. Just a dumb pothead... she's DEAD!
  5. A male mental patient, 48 years old. - Do I even have to explain this one? While tragic, he's not genetic material (unless you want to eat crayons all day) and he'd probably need more care than the 6 year old. Besides... if he's truely crazy... he won't even know I sent him outside to DIE... he'll think he's on a secret spy mission from the CIA to collect spider poop!

And just in case you were wondering, the survivors in my shelter include

  1. Me, Ogre-Child & Prince Charming (duh!)
  2. Fairy Godmother (yeah, I don't care if she's 50... she's useful, resourceful, and my MOM!)
  3. All the Trolls Under the Bridge (like I'd let my drinking buddies go down in radiation)
  4. Tink (because she beat me to the shelter door)
  5. Sunshine (because we probably won' have any for a while)
  6. Buffy (because I need someone to procrastinate with)
  7. LL (because he's a country boy and "Country Boys can Survive!")
  8. Chris (because Mom would get mad if I let her baby sis get a sunburn outside)

All the rest of you never leave me comments so I thought you DIED in the initial explosion!

Read more ...

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Weekly Word Challenge

I've been waiting for a word set from The Weekly Word Challenge that I could participate in. Tink has finally stumbled on a set I like.
This weeks words were "MOODY" A word that every woman can relate to (as well as every man). The Real Life Fairy Tale Princess happens to be an EXPERT at MOODY! No, seriously, just ask my psychiatrist!! So, in a true, alter-ego revealing explanation, I will blow your mind with this MOODY picture of me.
Thankfully for the inhabitants of Fairy Tale Land, this particular MOOD is rare and often short-lived. Okay, so the MOOD may not be short-lived, but I quickly grow tired of wearing the mood on the outside of my face.
Confession: I wasn't in a bad mood when I took the picture, I was showing off for my baby sister who didn't believe that her OLD sister could still fit in with the FREAK FACTOR!
Thant being said, The second word of the week is "BRIGHT".
In a photogenic, narcasistic mood, I broke out the camera last night for a styling photo shoot. I have to say I was happily surprised by the result.
This picture shows off my BRIGHT eyes and an expression I just love. I increased the fill light and highlights to BRIGHTEN the picture.
I love the artistic contrast and the overall feel of this picture.
Read more ...

You called me what?

In good ol' Sunshine tradition, she has once again given me something to write about. I so lack inspiration. What would I do without her? *huge hugs*

So the topic of discussion today is "Nicknames"

My REAL name is Kori (but you can call me PRINCESS!)

So, here's a brief list of names I've been called on a regular basis (vulgarity has been excluded because I assume that is a given for anyone who knows me for too long.)

1. Curtain Climber (and my other cousin was Ankle Biter) - somewhere there's a picture of me with a shirt that says this.

2. Punky (after Punky Brewster)

3. Bubba (thanks Mom)

4. Kori Nickle (because Nicole is hard to say)

5. Kore (A given right?)

6. K-Ore (after Neb. governor Kay Ore)

7. Willie (thank you best friend who still calls me this 10 years later) - This same girlfriend, another one & I used to send notes in HS and signed them DJ, CJ & TJ. I've since forgotten who was who, but the whole reason was in case the notes were found by the wrong person they'd never know who to send to detention!

8. Nancy (after "The Craft")


On a side note, strange nicknames run in the family... RALPH (a woman), Aunt FU.DGE (never saw her eat fudge), B.UT.CH, SK.EE.TE.R, B.UB, R.ED (this one actually makes sense), D.IC.K, CLETUS, A.CE...

But the #1 nickname is NUFFIN'.
I was 6 when my great-grandpa passed away. I adored him & he died the day before my b-day. Everyone (including grandma) always called MY grandpa, "Grandpa" (imagine that?) However, I was totally miffed when my great-grandpa died and the first time someone called grandpa "Grandpa" afterwards, I hollered...
"DON'T YOU CALL HIM THAT!!" (because in my 6-yr-old brain Grandpa died)
so they calmly asked, "Well honey, if we can't call him that, what should we call him?"


And "Nuffin" it was until I got over it! Read more ...

Sunday, August 24, 2008

Ju Do Know Nuffin 'Bout Me!!

Conversation with Prince Charming:

PC: Hey hun, want something new to blog about?
Me: Sure, whatcha got?
PC: I got proposed to!!
PC: (giggles)
Me: No no no no... What the fuck?
PC: Some, doesn't-speak-a-lick-of-English, ugly chick at work is about to have her Visa expire!
Me: (silence)
PC: I couldn't understand a word she said.
Me: (silence)
. . .
. . .
Me: Well, is she going to pay you?
PC: (laughing) I dunno, never thought to ask!

Half of me screams "Oh the HELL YOU DID!"
But the other half wonders just how much cash legal citizenship is worth... Read more ...

Thursday, August 21, 2008

You had to be there!

Here is a short list of humorous things that have been overheard in our classroom this week! Some things just sound really bad if they are taken out of context. This is how rumors get started!

  • (Boss to co-worker's child) "Stop squeezing my APPLES!"
  • (Boss to co-worker) "He'll be here tomorrow to DO IT with you!"
  • (One brother to another) "Stop poking me in the BUTT with your PENCIL!"
  • (Principal to teacher) "I need to look at your DRAWERS!"
  • (Boss to me) "We really need to clean things up because I'm tired of getting into his DRAWERS!"
  • (Other boss to us) "What are you talking about? I don't even have any DRAWERS!"
  • (Me to co-worker) "Just be patient, I'll get to your DRAWERS later!"
Read more ...

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Out of Respect

I love my fellow bloggers. I try very hard to participate any time I see them post some interactive shareware. That being said, here's a neat little fun post that passed from Sunshine to The Queen and finally to me. Enjoy!

Finish the sentence.

  • Maybe I should wash the dishes (nah... I checked they're still cranky and growling at me! I'm in no mood to deal with their attitude-problems!!)
  • People would say that I am strange (but then they meet me in person and... they start saying I'm REALLY strange!)
  • I lost my sanity in the delivery room (I haven't found it yet. I believe the Ogre-Child hocked it for a sugar high!)
  • Life is like sex. It might not always be the greatest, and every now and then it's totally going to suck. But when it's good... it's GREAT!!
  • My past is littered with voodoo dolls, faces burnt out of pictures, and shallow gravesites. (just let me live my life and no one gets hurt!!)
  • My idea of a good time is a comfortable bed & a good book. (On the rare evening we co-exist in the same realm of consciousness - remove book, insert Prince Charming.)
  • Twins are my worst fear. (Sign me up for a padded room the minute they hear two heartbeats!)
  • Dust bunnies fornicate in my house. (That's right, cover your eyes because everywhere you look you'll find stray dust bunnies humping the ashtrays and leaving strange cobweb danglies on my ceiling.)
  • Tomorrow I’m going to be at work on time! (I swear! No really!! There's no excuse for it! I'll be there!!)
  • I have low tolerance for drama! (Seriously, not only do I refuse to let drama in my life - unless I can laugh hysterically at the stupidity of it - I have no problem looking at you and telling you to take your drama to someone who has the time to give a shit!)
  • I’m totally terrified of clowns (Go ahead and laugh you asscown! There's just something really freaky about a grown man dressed in ruffles with a big red nose and a rubber balloon!)
  • I wonder why a package of fruit snacks must be placed in a small baggie, wrapped in invisible duct tape to seal it beyond all possible opening, then placed in a iron box that is laminated with teflon-coated plastic wrap? I realize this country has an obesity problem, but I do not feel that I should have to exert the kenetic energy of a torpedo in order to access a 90 calorie snack! In the future, please sell this product with a package of dynomite for opening.
  • Never in my life have I understood organized religion. (While I fully support your right to worship whomever your heart desires, I do not understand the need to gather in masses to affirm your beliefs or the urge to critisize others for their different beliefs.)
  • High school was a joke. The only thing I learned in high school was how to be a bitch because people are 'fake assholes'. Everything else I could have got just from reading a book!
  • When I’m nervous my brain cells shut down. Seriously, I hate being in the spotlight. Even a simple job interview will have me stuttering and stammering like a babbling fool.
  • One time at a family gathering my husband 'humped' my uncle on an old crusty mattress on the side of a river bank. (Try and get that visual image out of your head!)
  • Take my advice: Don't watch Fear Factor during dinner time! (Who's bright idea was that time slot?)
  • Taking a good picture depends on the element of surprise.
  • I’m almost always in some state of semi-naked. (Please call before stopping by unexpectedly. Do not assume that because Prince Charming is grilling outside that I am fully clothed inside. Also, do not assume that Prince Charming will think fast enough to warn you of this matter before you enter the castle.)
  • I’m addicted to blogging. (Big shocker there!)
  • I want someone to organize my files. (Both at home and at work. Tornado doesn't even begin to describe it!)

That being said, I have a screaming Ogre-Child to attend to because the world ha come to a screeching hault. She has lost her binkie, is clinging like a mad man to two dollies and a stuffed monkey, and I have reason to believe she ate my car keys (which could put a huge damper on those plans to be to work on time!)

From the twisted sound of her whining and whimpering, I'd wager that it is time for little Ogre-Children to take a nap. But don't be surprised if you find me here later telling you about my favorite bloggers and Chocolate Covered Telecommunication Devices!

Read more ...

Monday, August 18, 2008

Ogre Anatomy Lesson

The Ogre-Child is slowly learning her anatomy. I thought I would share last night lesson with you.

Ogre-Child, where is your nose?

(Yes, she knows how to pick it to)

Ogre-Child, where is your eye?

(She'll be a cyclops when she grows up!)

Ogre-Child, where is your mouth?

(Boogers taste yummy.)

Ogre-Child, show me your tongue?

(Ogre-Spit is an anti-aging agent!)

And for my illiterate readers, a visual clip of the lesson!

Myspace Images @ PimpMyCom

A Real Life Fairy Tale Princess Read more ...

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Fairy Tale Rule #3

Sometimes All You Can Do Is Laugh At Your Child's Frustration!

While I love my daughter dearly and I normally would not allow her to suffer if it wasn't necessary, all mothers have to admit that there have been times when all they could do is sit back and laugh.
If you recall my previous discussion about duct tape as a sleep aide, you will find all the more humor in this!
One of the drawbacks of having a cheap surround sound system hooked up to your television is the fact that their are wires and cables to run all over your house. We have managed to limit this delima by running the wires along the ceiling and behind furniture throughout most of the living room. However, there is one area where the livingroom goes into the hallway that this problem is difficult to fix. For some time we simply tried to keep the wire tight enough that no one tripped over it. However, over time that has proven to be a bit difficult.
In June, I asked Prince Charming to please cover the wire with tape to prevent further tripping disasters. Unfortunately, at the time I asked, we just so happened to be out of duct tape. Apparently, I used the last of it as a sleep aide.
For a temporary fix, he adhered the wiring to the carpet with regular packing tape. Anyone who has ever used packing tape will agree that sealing boxes is really the only good use for it. It seams that some molecular property of packing tape prevents it from adhering to any surface other than cardboard. After about a day, this packing tape solution was starting to fall apart.
By the time Prince Charming made it to market to purchase duct tape, the packing tape had complicated the tripping hazard to a point of near crisis. While Prince Charming readied the chariot for a trip to town, the Ogre-Child & I walked carefully in the area near the hall to preent ourselves from face-planting into the bathroom door.
It was then, in a moment of natural necessity, that I needed to use the royal powder room. So there I sit, as most mothers of toddlers do, with the bathroom door wide open while I perform the necessary duties. Instantly, the Ogre-Child goes into a panic attack from hell because Mommy is not within eye-shot of her. She runs, oblivious of her surroundings, towards the bathroom.
I sat helplessly watching her, knowing if she trips I cannot jump to her aide (at least not without creating an ungodly mess in the bathroom). At that moment, her little socked fot snags the edge of the packing tape. In her next step, she yanks the entire strip of packing tape (still attached to her sock) off of the floor. It is not until the strip of tape whips up and attaches to the back of her legs that she finally realizes something has gone wrong.
At this point she sits down in the hall and procedes to try and pull the tape from her foot. Her efforts only succeed in wrapping the tape further around her foot. Not to mention that now it is stuck to her hand. Left hand. Right hand. Left hand. Let the whining commence!
By now, I am finished with my own mission. However, I am laughing so hard at the sight of my child sitting on the floor wapped in packing tape, I cannot remove myself from my seated position. Finally, I manage to compose myself and head to her aide. At this point she is in great distress and pleading with me for assistance.
However, being the Real Life Fairy Tale Princess that I am. I could not assist her at that moment. I reassured her with loving words as I sat her on the couch and kissed her. And then....
I got out the camera!!

Yes, I finally removed the tape which was so far wrapped around the Ogre-Child's foot that it required immediate amputation of the sock! A small sacrafice to pay for such a good laugh!!

Myspace Images @ PimpMyCom

A Real Life Fairy Tale Princess

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Pennies on the Dollar

Those of you who know me well, know that I dread paying full price for anything! As a matter of fact, I believe my system has actually gone into shock because yesterday I bought two tank tops for $7 each. They weren't marked down at all!! I PAID FULL PRICE!! I think I need to call my therapist now... *sobs*

Thankfully, I've learned that I am not the only "bargain shopper" out there. It appears there is a whole community of frugile shoppers just dying to get there fix on the next sale of the century!! And the folks at Parent Bloggers want to know about our best penny pinching skills. They've even provided a wonderful site for all those coupons you dn't want to go looking for yourself:

So I've said it before and I'll say it again...


That's right... SEARS!

The reason for my love affair with Sears is simple...

In the past year, I've never spent over $10 for any item of clothing from jeans, to dress slacks, tanks to dress blouses, and even shoes!!!

So here's a quick recap of my favorite buys this year:

(*Note: Because I hate uploading a ton of pictures on Blogger, I didn't use the actual pictures of the items I bought. These are the default pictures for that item from the Sears website, so please don't ridicule my fashion taste due to clashing colors or ugly prints. The actual items I bought work together very well!)

Cute dress in brown and cream
Original price $29.99
On Sale for $1.99
Add in the brown heels I bought at Sears for $4.99
and the complete outfit costs $6.98 w/ shoes

Tube Dress
Cute dress in grean and white
Original price $39.99
On Sale for $2.69
Add in the red heels I bought at Walmart for $7
and the complete outfit costs $9.69 w/ shoes

Petite Classic Fit  Straight Leg JeanModal Cami Solid
Original Price: 29.99 for the slacks, $16 for the tank
On Sale for $1.49 and $1.74
Total cost for the outfit $3.23

Kiefer Twill TrouserCami
Original Price: $30 for jeans, $11.98 for the tank
Sale price: $3.74 for the jeans and 99 cents for the tank
Total cost of outfit: $4.73

Belted Twill PantShort Sleeve Blouse with Belt
Original Price: $30 for twill pants (grey), $28 for (yellow & white striped) belted shirt
Sale Price: $4.49 for the pants, $1.79 for the shirt
Total outfit cost $6.23

Bull Denim Belted JeanPrinted Chiffon Yoryu Blouse
Original Cost: Red jeans w/ Belt $38, Chiffon Blouse (red & brown) $28
Sale Price: janes $5.74, blouse $4.99
Throw in those $7 red heels again and the whole outfit costs $17.73 w/ shoes

Short Sleeve Pointelle TeeHenley with Hood and Heart Print
Original Price: Slacks $24.98, Shirt $22, Hoodie $30
Sale Price: slacks $5.99, Shirt $2.63, Hoodie $2.99
Total cost of outfit: $11.61

Original Price: Skirt $36, Chiffon Blouse $36, Apostrophe shoes $30
Sale Price: Skirt $6.99, Blouse $6.99, shoes $9.99
Original Price of Outfit: $102
What I actually paid for this awesomely professional outfit: $23.97 w/ shoes

Original Price: Personal Identity Jeans $30, Black Tee $9.98
Sale Price; $4.79 for jeans, $2.49 for top
Total Cost of Outfit: $7.29

And not to leave the Ogre-Child out... I bought an assortment of shorts and shirts on clearance yesterday!

Original Cost: Shorts $6.99 Shirt $12
Sale Price: $1.79 shorts, $1.79 shirt
Outfit cost: $3.58

Original Cost: Shorts $8.99 Shirt $12
Sale Price: $1.49 shorts, $1.79 shirt
Outfit cost: $3.28

Original Cost: Skirt $6.99 Shirt $12
Sale Price: $1.19 skirt, $1.79 shirt
Outfit cost: $2.98

Add in two onsies, originally marked at $8.99
I got them on double clearance for $1.49

Last but not least, I got Baby Rose (Ogre-Child's cousin-to-be) a Carter's 4-piece layette set. Originally priced at $24, I picked it up for the bargain price of $6.71.

On average, I save 79% off original prices shopping the Sears clearance racks. If you just count clothing, it's closer to 85% off. Because the shoes & bedding I've purchased are usually only about 66% off. Some of the items I bought for just 5% of their original price.

And who can't handle 99 cent tank tops and jeans for under $5!!

It definately makes me feel a little better about my overflowing closet!

Read more ...

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Look Alike Contest

Sunshine is having a Celebrity Look Alike Contest! So I went to the celebrity thingie to see if I looked like anyone!

These were just a tad bit creepy! (but it was funny to see myself change into Bing Crosby... no I am NOT posting it!!)

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Celebrity Morph by MyHeritage

MyHeritage: Family trees - Genealogy - Celebrities

WARNING - The first person to make an implication about how she looks today gets shot! Because seriously, the hair... OMG... I'd shoot myself!

Read more ...

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

Happy 21st!!

Here's wishing a very Happy Birthday to a couple of very special ladies. Of course they are BOTH turning 21 today!! (I won't disclose how many 21st birthdays they've had in the past.) What matters is that they are fine ladies and no matter their TRUE age, they are still young at heart.

So here's hoping your birthdays are filled with leg-pissing, Vegas Bomb-drinking, Diamond-making JOY!!
Love you much girls!!

Myspace Images @ PimpMyCom

A Real Life Fairy Tale Princess

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Dedication: Fuck the Magic Dragon

You know her song already!!

So what else can I tell you about my friend Fuck?

Well, she's a farm gal. She spends her days delivering meals to the field, wrangling her two children, and riding around on a tractor.

Despite the tough life that being a farm life holds, Fuck still manages to stay in touch with all her friends via her Smart Phone (I'm jealous!)

That goofy, leg-pissing dragon loves the color pink and hates little woodland creatures that sneak onto her fields to undo her hard work. I though about buying her a hunting rifle, but then I decided I'd just buy her several really strong drinks and see if I could make her laugh so hard she sneezed fire. Unfortunately, the whole plan backfired and she farted fire. This in turn fried the hair in my nose and my eyebrows. So now we have to postpone the next Princess Ball because there's no way I'm being seen in public with no eyebrows. And then have to explain to people that Fuck's ass burnt them off. Embarassing!!

To make it up to me, Fuck gave the Ogre-Child a huge bag of adorable clothes. We're talking CUTE CUTE CUTE! And since I forgot to thank her when I saw her (because I was jumping in the lake to put the fire out) I'm thanking her now!!

She's having a tough time right now, and though I'm not sure what's going on, I hope she gets it all sorted out and cheers up! I'm hoping this sort of helps to put a smile on her face.

Because honestly, what would a Real Life Fairy Tale Princess be without a little piss on her pants?


Myspace Images @ PimpMyCom

A Real Life Fairy Tale Princess

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Monday, August 11, 2008

Of course I smelled it!!

In keeping with the competitive nature of my family, I thought I'd try my hand at a contest the Fairy Godmother has entered. It seems that Whiskey in my Sippy Cup and Charming & Delightful, have a desperate need to torment their nasal passages via the net. They'd like to know about THAT SMELL in your car.

You can imagine that being a Real Life Fairy Tale Princess, and mother of a toddling Ogre-Child, I would never have any strange olfactory sensations when entering my chariot. (you buy that?) However, keep in mind that I was not always a Fairy Tale Princess.

Please stay tuned for the complete story after this brief message from the sponsor.

So here is my "What's That Smell?":

Once upon a time, in my pre-Princess days, my choice mode of transportation was a beautiful, 8-cylinder, kick your Camero's ass because YOU can't handle the hills in the middle of nowhere, blue Cadillac. I loved that car. Sure, she guzzled a little oil now and then. And now days she'd probably break the bank with her gas mileage, but considering she was already a "classic" when I got her, she did pretty good. And I'm telling you, nothing runs like 8-cylinders!! *purrrrrr*

However, on one of my magic trips to visit the "Billy Goats Gruff" and the "Trolls Under the Bridge" something went terribly wrong!!!

Everything was flowers and rainbows on the trip North. It was only when I started home that it became apparent that something was terribly wrong!!

In the first 30 miles of the trip, my lovely chariot refused to excede 40 mph downhill!! Oh, poor baby!! What could possibly be wrong with you!! I scrambled through every possible click, clank, rattle and jingle I'd heard over the past 6 months. I raced over the maintenance schedule wondering where I could have gone wrong in my delicate care of her. At the nearest town, I concluded I could not possible make the remainder of the trip at this rate. No doubt, my precious baby could never handle the semi-mountainous hills that would await her further south. So I side-tracked 12 miles East to the Evil Step-Mother's house (Cruella) to see if I could borrow her phone.

It is at this point I realized that in those 30 miles, my car had guzzled down 1/2 tank of gas! Now I realize that old tanks like these are constantly thirsty, but they are also equipped with 5,000-gallon gas tanks in order to accommidate for this problem. 1/2 tank of gas in 30 miles was ridiculously unnerving (not to mention the fact that my checkbook was now sobbing hysterically in the passenger seat).

Cruella was not home (off searching for innocent puppies to torture, no doubt) but I knew she wouldn't mind if I used her phone in a desperate situation like this. So I slipped in the door and used the calling card number she'd given me to get in contact with the youngest of the "Billy Goats Gruff". Young Billy just happened to be my preferred mechanic since he usually only charged me a case of beer and a designated drive home! Young Billy tells me he'll be there as soon as he can to check out the problem and he'll try to stay sober enough to get me home if he can't fix it.

It is about midnight when Billy arrives to Cruella's house and begins examining my poor chariot. I explain all of the above incident to him as he hangs his head under the hood and asks his accomplice to start the vehicle. Standing at his side, staring into the dark area under the hood filled with 15,000 contraptions that I don't understand, I suddenly screamed "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!!"

Uncle Billy order the car to be shut off and slams the hood of the car, while I stare in awe and try to imagine why the inside of my car just lit itself up like the frigging Fourth of July!!

Billy turns to me and says, "I've got good news and bad news. The bad news is, your car isn't going anywhere tonight. The good news is, I can fix it!"

Still awestruck, I asked what the problem was.

Half grinning he explains how a gas line had broke in the car (explaining the terrible gas mileage) at the same time a wire shorted under the hood burning the wires to 4 of the cylinders (thus the lack of power). "But I just have one question for you," he said.

I could tell from the look on his face it was going to be one of those smart-ass questions I'd want to slap him for, so I responded with the usual teenage enthusiasm, "What?"

"Did you smell smoke? Because you should have smelled smoke! Didn't you smell smoke?"

Feeling slightly stupid because I never smelled smoke from my obviously impaired vehicle I responded, "OF COURSE I SMELLED IT! I inhaled half a pack of cigarettes praying the car would get me far enough to call for help! YES, I SMELLED SMOKE! How was I supposed to know it was the car?"

Billy was laughing so hard by the time we got in his vehicle it was hard to understand what he was saying, but I think it was something to the effect of "you really need to take up chewing or something while you drive!"

What an ASSHOLE!

So TECHNICALLY this is actually about "Why The Hell Can't You Smell That?" instead of what I could smell. But hey, disqualify me. It's pretty hard to top dead rats! I didn't think the usual Motherly encounters of finding abandoned sippy cups so far gone that recovering them requires a HAZMAT team, a tetnus shot and a shotgun was going to cut it. Read more ...

Dedication: Lady Tremaine

You remember Lady Tremaine right? Well, her online username is toga. Please note here that it's not that I don't like Lady Tremaine. Despite the whole Cinderella fiasco, Lady Tremaine is a real classy gal. It's just that the Real Life Lady Tremaine is nothing like what Disney portrays. (shocker, I know!)

First off, she's not nearly as nasty as they made her out to be. Damn the media anyway! They'll exaggerate anything to get the "story." In fact, the rumor in Fairy Tale Land is that Cinderella's kind of a spoiled little bitch anyway. And spiteful!! Not good Princess qualities if you ask me.

The Real Life Lady Tremaine is not nearly as chronically constipated. She loves her kids. She's a good mother. Sure, she might slip a cute Prince a Mickey so her kid can get a shot at him, but what mother doesn't want what's best for her children. Is that a crime? I think not!

I've gotta give it to Lady Tremaine because after Cinderella kicked her to the curb, she had to find some way to fund her adventures. Lady Tremaine now spends her days surrounded by the hectic life of child care. Oh don't FROWN like that! She's great at it!! She's got them scrubbing floors and washing windows. Teaching them all the necessary life skills that common-folk need to learn.

But at night, woohoo!! She's the life of the party!! My next big Princess Ball, Lady Tremaine will be right at the top of the guest list. I was recently introduced to a Vegas Bomb (Lady Tremaine's drink of choice) and let me tell you!! BOMB VEGAS HONEY!! They are DA BOMB!!!

Despite the fact that I don't believe the horrid stories about her and Cinderella, I must say that she DOES have a bit of an EVIL streak! My biggest vice about Lady Tremaine is that she is SO DAMN GOOD at the Gold Miner game!! Which wouldn't be a big deal if she didn't play at the same Royal Arcade that I do. I too love the game and only once have I been able to beat her high score. I should have been thrilled. I should have thrown a parade in honor of the feat!! Instead, the bitch beat my score within a couple of hours. Not only did she beat it... she blew it out of the water. So to console myself I had a couple of drunk peasants beheaded!!

On a side note, I have to say that I have never known anyone else to list scrambled eggs as their favorite food. That's got me scratching my head a bit. Lobster? Calamarri? Filet Mignon? No... I'll have splattered chicken abortions (bet that gets some interesting search results!) But I guess, to each their own. At least it isn't beets dipped in ranch like someone else I know (*gag*)

That being said, lets have a big round of applause for Lady Tremaine and lay off her would you. Don't believe everything you see in the movies or books!!

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A Real Life Fairy Tale Princess

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Dedication: Alice in Wonderland

Being a Real Life Fairy Tale Princess means that I get to meet a lot of interesting characters. Now we're all pretty familiar with the story of Alice in Wonderland. What the books don't tell you is that Alice grew up and found the person set forth in the books was just too much for her. She now goes by the name of Sapphire.

Sapphire's favorite movie is Jerry McGuire. Now frankly, I'm not a big fan of the movie because I don't believe the whole idea of "I married you for fun. I think your kid is cool. We can make this work!" Not even if when you throw in the "You had me at 'Hello'," crap! But considering one of my favorite movies is "Hope Floats" (ever met a cowboy who knows how to run a camera and has the mental capacity to sweep you off your feet like that?) I really can't judge someone's choice of movie.

Now, all of my friends, both in Real Life and Fairy Tale land, have some little quirk or issue that could land them in a padded room with really cool medications. But you know, I haven't figured Sapphire out yet.

Me, I'm kind of the blow your top, take no shit, kick your ass with a smile sort of gal. It's the whole princess thing. It's drilled into you. No matter what, always appear to be honest, sweet and innocent. But that doesn't mean you can't find ways to tell them off without anyone else noticing. From what little I know of Sapphire, she'd make a pretty good princess. Maybe even better than me.

I mean, her wicked step-sister totally flubbed up her fingernails and Sapphire just smiled and nicely asked for her to fix them. Clearly, her wicked sister must be much easier to deal with than mine. The last time my evil step-sister and I had a disagreement (we were like 12) I recall screaming, scratching, tears and somewhere in the middle of the whole mess the neighbor girl ended up with permanent scars because I attacked her. (Even a Princess can lose it if she's in the middle of no where far from the spotlight of the media!)

But Sapphire is either WAAAAYYYY better at this princess thing than I am, or she's just a suck up push over (I love you!). Frankly, I tip my tiara to the woman after last years "Annual BALLROOM FIASCO" (aka. Prom) If I'd have been in that woman's shoes, trying to work miracles with the Prom Dress from Hell, I'd be a Mad Hatter by now!

Now then, lets all send big loves and hugs to Sapphire who will be sending her beloved White Rabbit off into the big world of college life soon. Reassure her that just because she doesn't need to chase the little bunny all over Wonderland anymore, doesn't mean her life is going to come to a screeching hault. There will still be many adventures for Alice and the White Rabbit. They will just become more grown-up adventures. No less exciting than the ones she's had in the past!!

Now would someone get that damn Cheshire Cat to shut up? Seriously...
Cheshire Cat: If I were looking for a white rabbit, I'd ask the Mad Hatter.
Alice: The Mad Hatter? Oh, no no no...
Cheshire Cat: Or, you could ask the March Hare, in that direction.
Alice: Oh, thank you. I think I'll see him...
Cheshire Cat: Of course, he's mad, too.
Alice: But I don't want to go among mad people.
Cheshire Cat: Oh, you can't help that. Most everyone's mad here.
[Laughs maniacally; starts to disappear]
Cheshire Cat: You may have noticed that I'm not all there myself.

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A Real Life Fairy Tale Princess

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Sunday, August 10, 2008

Dedication: The Fairy Godmother

For those of you who don't know, The Fairy Godmother is also my mother, Ogre-Child's grammy, and The Queen of No Man's Land!!

Now then, I must tell you that despite all the love we have for The Fairy Godmother, we say a little prayer every day that poor little Ogre-Child does not inherit her grammy's clutziness!!

One would expect that a Fairy Godmother would be classy and graceful with a pretty little wand and wings to flitter to and fro. But we're talking about a REAL LIFE Fairy Godmother here. She is not nearly what Disney might want you to believe!!

In the time that I have known her, she has given herself a double concussion, stuck a sewing machine needle in her eye, broke an ankle, slammed herself into a fence possibly breaking her jaw, and ripped her thumb off. Just to name a few.

And if this "disorder" of hers isn't enough, she believes so strongly in her magic powers that she refuses to go to the doctor unless she's dying. Therefore, her doctor heard about her double concussion when she realized she had twice as many cows in the pasture as there should be. He learned about the needle in her eye when she realized she could stick magnets to her face. He probably doesn't know about the broken ankle and how she wore boots to bed for a week because she wasn't going to wear a cast to the State Fair. He learned about the broken jaw when she had dental work done and she could feel her left teeth being pulled out of her right jaw! And he learned about her thumb being ripped off when she could no longer wipe her ass correctly!

You'd think she'd learn that minor injuries are easier to treat if you report them within say... a WEEK!!! After a week, they kind of have to cut your upside down thumb off in order to put it back on correctly! But, to give her a little credit, if she went straight to the doctor everytime she was injured by her own ditziness or plain bad luck, she'd spend half of her life there. They'd probably hire an on-call just to handle her case load. On the bright side, she may be able to inspire a new "Frequent Treatment Program" to earn "points" towards your next visit!! Something like, "New Patient Incentives!! Due to high demand, every 20th visit will now be 1/2 off!!!"

I know! I know!! You think I'm exagerating. I'm not. I spent a week at her Ice Palace this month and in that time she sliced off a knuckle. She then covered it with a bandaid despite the pulses of blood that indicated a possible need for stitches. Later, she slipped and jammed her elbow into the concrete. Again, denial kicked in and despite the fact that her arm is now 4 inches shorter, her doctor won't know about it until next month.

To top it all off, after I left, she managed to mess up her back while cleaning the house!! Seriously, I was unaware that housework was a high-risk activity. Did she fall off a ladder? NOOO! Did she cut herself on a broken glass? No (but she's done that a couple of times with the same thumb, the same amount of stitches and the same set of glasses) What was she doing? She moved (not picked up, just turned) a FAN!! Not a huge undustrial, blow your underwear off your ass fan, just a small, common, household fan!! Her talent amazes me!!

Unfortunately, I'm seeing the signs in my poor Ogre-Child already! Sitting on the porch, my child dove face first into a metal chair, recieving her first black eye. Later, she smashed her face into a milk jug, drawing many tears and a little blood. I may have to invest in a plastic bubble and a safety helmet for the child if she continues to show symptoms similar to The Fairy Godmother!!

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A Real Life Fairy Tale Princess

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