Disney Oversite #3

Ever seen that Disney movie about this guy Rob and his beloved appliances?

Am I the only one totally freaked out by it? I realize that Disney made Rob's appliances out to be these brave items that do amazing things. However, it makes me wonder what kind of appliances are in my house. And frankly, that creeps me out!!!

So here is the REAL LIFE cast of appliances and what they might say to me!!

• Toaster: "Bitch! You do realize there is a tray on the bottom of me that needs emptied once in a while, right? I swear, if you don't wipe these greasy, margerine finger prints off my chrome I'm going to kill you!! What's that? You want your bread lightly toasted? I want you to stop storing the bread loaf on top of me!! Have a fucking black hockey puck you bitch!!"
• Lampy: "BULBS!! Do you even know I have THREE bulb sockets? Would it kill you to dust the shade once a year? And have you ever heard of flipping the switch OFF when you're done with me? There you are sleeping in a pitch dark bedroom while I stand out here shining away like some queer fuck in the middle of a hick bar!! I hope my cord shorts out and electricutes you the next time you reach for the switch!!"
• Radio: "I run on batteries!! You know that dipshit!! So tell me why it is that you never have the right kind of batteries on hand? And what's so great about that damn box on your desk? So it's got all the music you want to listen to!! Ever hear of nostalgia? I hope your computer crashes and you lose your entire 1500 song collection. WHORE!!"
• Blanky: "WASH ME!! No seriously! I'm begging you! Just once! Could you at least get me wet? I'd settle for a spray bottle! Some Febreeze!! Anything!! PLEASE!!!! You bath that stupid brat of yours, the least you could do is clean me!! How do you sleep? I'm gagging on my own B.O. and you're sawing logs. If you don't at least shake me out this week, I'm going to wrap you up and smother you in your sleep!!"
• Kirby: "Stop calling me that! My name is Eureka!! And for fuck's sake, please clean my filter. It's bad enough I have to choke on your second hand ashes and dead skin cells, the least you could do is give me a clean face mask now and then. And to hell with this sucking up food particles. If I have to suck up one more piece of cheerio, graham cracker, or stray vegetable, I'm going to spit it back out! I hope it ricochets off the table and lands in your mouth!"
• T.V.: "Porn! Gimme Porn! Can we get the Playboy Channel! C'mon. I heard what happened to the last T.V.! You broke him!! The least you could do is let me get my jollies off a few more times before you kick me to the curb for a newer model. That's right! I hear you talking late at night when the rest of the house is sleeping! I know what you plan to do to me. You're sending me to the appliance store in the sky the first chance you get! Just give me porn!! PLLLLLEEEEEEAAAAASSSSEEE!! This Saturday-night Showtime fluff isn't cutting it for me. I can see the computer across the room! It gets porn!! Why can't I have porn? That computer's a piece of shit!! You're kicking it to the curb long before me!! C'mon, it wouldn't kill you! You don't even have to watch it. Just pop it in and go read a book or something! I'm begging you!! I swear, if I don't get porn soon I'm going to scramble the channels and delete the on screen guide. See how fucked you are then!!"
• Plugsy: "Why the hell do I have a permanent butt plug? I'm okay with you sticking shit in my holes now and then to get your jollies off, but all of the sudden theirs a kid in the house and I've got these permanent plugs in my ass? That's messed up! Go ahead! Try to take it out and see how far I shoot you across the room!! You try spending a year with something stuck in your rear and see if you don't need to let off a little steam when it finally comes out!!"
• Car: "Chug-a-lug, Chug-a-lug... makes you wanna holler HHHHIIII-DEEEEE- HOOOOEE! Burns yours tummy don't you know. Chug-a-lug, Chug-a-lug!!!" *hiccup* Note -Damn thing's always too drunk to make any sense! All I know is it bounces down the road like it's had a few too many. She looks halfway decent and is always there when I need her, but damn she's an expensive date!! Fucking LUSH!!

Needless to say, that movie makes me want to sleep with one eye open!!

A Real Life Fairy Tale Princess