Sunday, May 17, 2009

Gimme a Break!!

It's the last productive week of school. (Whoever thought it would be brilliant to come back to school for 2 days after Memorial Day should have their teeth kicked in!) Needless to say, "busy as a bee" will not even begin to describe it. So please excuse the lapse in blogisms while I try to keep from pulling all of my hair out attempt to assure the education of future generations.

Last week I tried to hide under my desk to skirt my duties finished purchase orders for the classroom (huge thanks to co-workers who can spend an extra $100 in record time and others who can type up the forms when I'm totally tired of shopping on company funds!)

Next weekend, we're throwing B-day party #2 at the bowling alley. Thankfully, that's Prince Charming's baby and I don't have to do SHIT!

Have I mentioned I'm behind on housework and every other household duty? Please don't look under my bed.

So forgive me for this horrible neglect to my blog. I'll be busy reminding myself not to have more children trying to help 5 kids pass Geometry, 3 pass English, 2 pass Art, and kicking the asses of 15 others hoping that everyone else will at least get through to their next grade level.
Bear with me. Summer drinking fun is coming soon and I'll definately have some great tales to tell!
Sun, Rays and Passing Grades!!

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Monday, May 4, 2009

In case you thought I was lying!!

Coconut Bra & Hula skirt to wear to your 40-yr-old Uncle's wedding... $10
Roll of film to catch that priceless moment... $2
Developing the photo of his beet red face... $0.50
Having him get revenge at YOUR wedding 5-years later!!!

I knew you would never believe that Uncle Auto Fucktard was really in no position to be snubbing me at the wedding... so I stole the proof from my cousin (just in case he has the negatives destroyed!)

((Of course I covered his face to accentuate the obvious to protect his true identity.))

As if it wouldn't be scary enough to be the bride when THIS guy walks into your ceremony.

Imagine the horror to find out THIS is what he's wearing!!!

And if you're curious... THIS is how the bride and groom react when he flashes them as they exit the ceremony!!

Now... if you're NOT married, you need to pick up your phone NOW and call to apologize for anything you may have done to ever embarass your family.

If you ARE married (not to my family), call your relatives and thank them for NOT being WIERDOS!!

**And in case you were wondering... yes... she did (only because it was too expensive to find a trailer full of flying pigs!)... so I guess she so deserved it!!
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I ♥ Faces -- Week 17:Hats

Useless piece of information about me you were dying to know

Big swooshy sun hats, little berets, cute caps... you name it!
I think it's because they cover my perpetually bad hair LIFE they remind me of crowns. And we all know how I love all things crown-like!! C'mon, what do you expect from a PRINCESS?!?!

This week at I ♥ Faces the theme is... you guessed it geniuses I tell you! HATS!!

So I felt it very important to show off my FAVORITE hat! It's a fabulous pink with a gold band. Very crown-like if you ask me which you didn't, but I don't care I know it's a bit washed out, but what's a girl to do with a cheap camera and 3AM bathroom lighting? So here's my adult entry --The O.C. wanted to post her own entry (because Mommie might screw up the story) so don't forget to check her rock star look if you haven't already!! --

Go on over and check out other people's hats at I ♥ Faces. I'm so going to stalk them so I can steal their hats for myself drool over the variety of hats they're showing off.

P.S. To all the fabulous visitors who commented on my last entry... I have so added a special blog roll just for you. So don't be surprised if you find me lurking around trying decide if I want to permanently stalk you!!


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Saturday, May 2, 2009

May Day! May Day!

Okay, I think I'm finally sober enough feeling well enough to post. I know you are all just dying to know how my week went!! You didn't think the Queen was telling the truth did you? tattle tale

Last Friday I looked at a house for the Queen and Dad. It's a pretty cool house and in case she hasn't noticed yet, I thought I'd mention the price has dropped. Needs some work, but definitely doable (the house, not my MOM!)

After that, I paid all the past due bills. Last thing I wanted was to get stuck out of the state with no insurance and no cell phone only to come home to no electricity. Definitely would have put me in a sour mood.

Then, we loaded up the chariot and headed North to our motel. All appeared to be going well, until the INFESTATION!! That's right... the hotel put my parents in an ANT INFESTED ROOM (and they knew it!!) Go figure the whole hotel was filled. PC and I were willing to move upstairs to let the folks have our room. Just as we made this decision we noticed that our room was ALSO INFESTED!!
How fast can you say refund? Just ask the man at the check-in counter. It took about 36 seconds for me to get rooms at the neighboring motel.
The perk? The rooms were $7 cheaper per night and the pool was 10 degrees warmer! PROPS!! The best part is I could not for the life of me figure out why the cashiers at both motels were acting so meek and overly-cooperative. I wasn't being pissy or disgruntled, and yet they acted as if I had potential to become so. It did not dawn on me until I looked in the mirror of our new motel room. I was wearing my new pink t-shirt. Across the front of it, it says:


What's your excuse?

On another note... PC and I went out for a nice dinner... some place called "Misty's". Fancy smancy shit. We got Crab patties (delicious). Salad and Clam Chowder (yum yum!). PC got King Crab (MMmmmm) and I got rotten crab pussy on pasta Crab Asiago!! *vomits in the waitress's shoe* WTF is that shit?!?! ASS? It smelled bad. It looked bad. And... you guessed it... It tasted like crap!! Not exaggerating here... I made PC try it. The instant it hit his tongue he gagged and spit it on a plate (totally NOT like him!). I asked if I should be polite and he replied, "Hell NO! You ask her what is in it so you never risk tasting that again!" I'd have asked for a refund but the stench was clouding my senses.
On Saturday, the wedding was (of course) beautiful... but I'm sort of biased! Couldn't help but giggle that flower girl #1 (groom's daughter) made it as far as her mother before freaking out in tears and FG #2 (bride's daughter) made it a third of the way down the aisle before becoming infatuated with her basket and stopped to play. It 1) was adorable, 2) proved "the best laid plans" and 3) reminded me why there's no point in sweating the small stuff.

The reception was great. The guest list is a whole different story At least it was for about 65 minutes after that the drinks kicked in and then I have no clue

Drink #1
I purchased my first drink when I assessed the company I'd be spending 4 hours among while they cut the cake. After being totally SNUBBED by Uncle Auto a man in a coconut bra really shouldn't act "better" than others that drink didn't last long.
Drink #2
I recall telling Cousin Happily Divorced that he was getting old if I was beating him to the second drink! After this, I got the nerve to go talk to relatives who were sitting with EX-relatives. (I admit, I was intentionally being an ass).
Drink #3
I clearly remember Cousin Happily Divorced buying me another drink to celebrate his recent divorce since I'm the only one in HIS family that can happily relate to that. After this drink, I made a point of actually SPEAKING to the Queen's EX-father. I grinned to myself at the fact that I intentionally called him "Dick" over and over again (are you sure your name's Richard? Because you look like a Dick to me!)
Drink #4.5
I vaguely recall PC returning to the table with two drinks. One of which he gave to me and the other he used to refill my cup when I wasn't looking. I am NOT paranoid! At some point after this they kidnapped the bride for a ransom. To which I told her father "They don't know this family to well. We don't NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS!!"
Drink #5 (aka Drink #7)
I ordered one last drink before we left. I swear it was #5, but my relatives were determined that it was closer to #7. What do those drunks know? It's not like my cousin was holding me up. I didn't fall out the front door of the reception hall. I DID find myself intentionally talking to people I hate. But I was still sober enough to walk away telling my cousin "I even hate these people when I'm drunk."

I personally find it hilarious that they are now all scratching their balls heads trying to decide whether I like them or am a hateful bitch. Plus, the one person who wouldn't talk to me (Uncle Auto) looks like a total ass because I made a point of telling them how everyone had spoken to me nicely except him. I think some people there will chalk my "friendliness" up to my mother being the problem. Other's will chalk it up to my drunkenness. But in all honestly, I was barely more than tipsy all night. I talked to everyone for the following reasons:
  • I wanted to make the bride happy. It was her day.
  • I wanted to fuck with their brains.
  • I was taking a survey of "Who's a Total Fuckhead in my Family?" (They're still all fuckheads, but Uncle Auto is the only TOTAL FUCKHEAD!)
  • It was win-win for me. Those who WISH I liked them got fooled. Those who WISH I wouldn't speak to them were uncomfortable. And those who I LOVE were happy that I put forth an effort.

Needless to say, Mission Accomplished!

In case you are curious, my flavor of the evening was Crown and Coke in 12 oz. glasses wonderfully mixed.

Props to me because my entire 2009 alcohol consumption (pre-reception) has consisted of 1 Pina Colada on my birthday. And one bottle of Bud 4 weeks ago. I'm such a LUSH! This many drinks in one night four hours SHOULD have kicked my ass. Fortunately, I am blessed to only get hangovers from one night stands beer and despite being up every hour with a sick kiddo, I was smiling at breakfast at 7:45. (Please note I get bonus points for being up before my two habitually drunk male cousins despite holding my own against their drinking prowess!)

All in all... Saturday was great! Unfortunately, the OC caught a cold which she happily shared with the rest of the family. So PC and I were sick Sunday and Monday. Tuesday was uneventful as I worked and napped. Wednesday I vegetated on an extra day off. Thursday was a blur. And here we are at Friday already (now Saturday morning). The week has breezed by and I have accomplished absolutely NADA... (unless you count my reception havoc)

Here's wishing you all a wonderful blog-er-ific weekend. I'll see if I can catch up with you all and get back into the swing of things. In the event that I can't, please make a note of the ticker ticking away in the top right corner of my blog. I may be busy next week!

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