Sunday, August 10, 2008

Dedication: The Fairy Godmother

For those of you who don't know, The Fairy Godmother is also my mother, Ogre-Child's grammy, and The Queen of No Man's Land!!

Now then, I must tell you that despite all the love we have for The Fairy Godmother, we say a little prayer every day that poor little Ogre-Child does not inherit her grammy's clutziness!!

One would expect that a Fairy Godmother would be classy and graceful with a pretty little wand and wings to flitter to and fro. But we're talking about a REAL LIFE Fairy Godmother here. She is not nearly what Disney might want you to believe!!

In the time that I have known her, she has given herself a double concussion, stuck a sewing machine needle in her eye, broke an ankle, slammed herself into a fence possibly breaking her jaw, and ripped her thumb off. Just to name a few.

And if this "disorder" of hers isn't enough, she believes so strongly in her magic powers that she refuses to go to the doctor unless she's dying. Therefore, her doctor heard about her double concussion when she realized she had twice as many cows in the pasture as there should be. He learned about the needle in her eye when she realized she could stick magnets to her face. He probably doesn't know about the broken ankle and how she wore boots to bed for a week because she wasn't going to wear a cast to the State Fair. He learned about the broken jaw when she had dental work done and she could feel her left teeth being pulled out of her right jaw! And he learned about her thumb being ripped off when she could no longer wipe her ass correctly!

You'd think she'd learn that minor injuries are easier to treat if you report them within say... a WEEK!!! After a week, they kind of have to cut your upside down thumb off in order to put it back on correctly! But, to give her a little credit, if she went straight to the doctor everytime she was injured by her own ditziness or plain bad luck, she'd spend half of her life there. They'd probably hire an on-call just to handle her case load. On the bright side, she may be able to inspire a new "Frequent Treatment Program" to earn "points" towards your next visit!! Something like, "New Patient Incentives!! Due to high demand, every 20th visit will now be 1/2 off!!!"

I know! I know!! You think I'm exagerating. I'm not. I spent a week at her Ice Palace this month and in that time she sliced off a knuckle. She then covered it with a bandaid despite the pulses of blood that indicated a possible need for stitches. Later, she slipped and jammed her elbow into the concrete. Again, denial kicked in and despite the fact that her arm is now 4 inches shorter, her doctor won't know about it until next month.

To top it all off, after I left, she managed to mess up her back while cleaning the house!! Seriously, I was unaware that housework was a high-risk activity. Did she fall off a ladder? NOOO! Did she cut herself on a broken glass? No (but she's done that a couple of times with the same thumb, the same amount of stitches and the same set of glasses) What was she doing? She moved (not picked up, just turned) a FAN!! Not a huge undustrial, blow your underwear off your ass fan, just a small, common, household fan!! Her talent amazes me!!

Unfortunately, I'm seeing the signs in my poor Ogre-Child already! Sitting on the porch, my child dove face first into a metal chair, recieving her first black eye. Later, she smashed her face into a milk jug, drawing many tears and a little blood. I may have to invest in a plastic bubble and a safety helmet for the child if she continues to show symptoms similar to The Fairy Godmother!!







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A Real Life Fairy Tale Princess

3 comments:

LL said...

Heh heh... well... at least she comes by it honestly.

Thanks for stopping by The End of the World (that damn Tink anyhow! :P ). But be warned... now that you've been there, you just might get that same comment here! ;)

Veronica said...

My, my, my I had no idea you had injured yourself again after I left. Poor baby, that's one hell of a shiner.

Chris said...

Oh holy hell, we truly are family. I threw my back out today bending over to pick up a runaway grape off the floor. I guess this calls for celebration... can I get a Mike's Hard & some green pills with a side of doctor-go-screw-yourself on the side please?

hugs & kisses to you, pc & orge-child...
Aunty Far-Far- Away :0)

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