Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Who does she think she is?

On what planet do you pack up a crate full of alligators from your own private moat and mail them to your daughter without even telling her until that day? Do you know how fast alligator mail travels? Yeah!! Someone could lose a limb!

Oh... and who does she think she is?
Oh... I'm going to tear down my castle and because I'm such a DORK, I may accidentally create a volitile mixture out of a seemingly harmless batch of playdough! So if I make everything in a five block radius disappear, please duck and cover and find me at the Princess's house?
WTF?!?! Aw HELL NO!!

She should know better. I am a very patient person. I can nod and smile with the best of them while "You are a fucking dumbass!" repeats over and over in my head! However, if I had toleration for downright STUPIDITY, I could be an EMT! As it is, EMT would not be the best career for me to persue

(Awww... you were going 90? On a motorcycle? On gravel? Without a helmet?... hmmm... Well, I'm pretty sure I need to go give CPR to that tree over there... if you're still alive when the next EMT gets here, maybe they'll waste their time on you!)

So, MY MOTHER or not... if she blows her damn castle up, she better be calling your blogroll for a place to crash for the night. I'm not moving my furniture just so she can toss a blanket down on my sidebar!! I think not.
Also, I am looking to hire a substitute internet consultant because if she continues to design and redesign at a faster rate than she learns the procedures, I'm going to need a partner to field her questions. Maybe it would be cheaper to just hire a secretary to field the non-sense calls. It's a toss up! Maybe I need a whole field of workers... because someone has to make sure the O.C. gets to talk to Grandma... and someone needs to make sure all the "I love you" and "I'm sending money" messages get through to me. If we could just categorize the calls so that I get those really important ones and the rest of the "how to's" and "did you read's" could get outsourced to someone on my payroll. Volunteers are definately welcome!
((HUGE HUGS MOM))
If your blog happens to be positioned anywhere near her blog, you may want to quickly hire a contractor to relocate you farther down the street... you never know what will happen when she gets her GROOVE on!!
Don't forget to check out the fabulous giveaways in the next two posts!!
Happy Wednesday!!

7 comments:

Chris said...

You do know that she's going to throw a blanket on your sidebar and set up camp just because you told her no. You brought that one on yourself princess darling.

Kisses, love & hugs to you and OC. Now I have to go find a fucking contractor. I knew I shouldn't have moved so close to that crazy queen sister of mine. *hrump*

J... said...

I am pretty sure that I am far enough away that I don't need to hire a contractor. But I am glad that she is your problem and not mine!

The Queen said...

DEAR REAL LIFE FAIRY TALE PRINCESS:

HERE IS WHO I THINK I AM:

I am THE QUEEN, remember, the one with the CASTLE where..

1. little Miss Princess and Prince Charming, loaded clothes.. toys.. furniture..and breast pumps, boobie pads and diapers up and stored them in the dungeon.

2. Where 29 years of REAL LIFE FAIRY PRINCESS. stuff is stored in the dungeonm.

3. Where I have actually thown my stuff away... to make room for stuff that.. Real Life Fairy Princess, Prince Charming.and orge Child's stuff..

AND FURTHER MORE..

1. Your best memories at the castle involved.. bombs.. smoke..and fire from rose candles that ignited..

2. I have yet to take out anyone elses castles with my play dough TNT. While yes, a few sheep were once killed in an experiment gone bad.. the castles stood firm.

3. AND THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT OF ALL.. you knew from the beginning the CORRECT ANSWER was.. that's OK Mommie,, I love you so much I'll just drop what I'm doing and get on your request.. had you done that.. I wouldn't know bits and pieces of this shit..and the castle would not be in peril..

so.. May I suggest you shut the fuck up... feed the gaters.. and stay by the damn phone...

Love...
THE QUEEN.

The Queen said...

Well, you can see..

I designed it..
I aliened it..
I html ed it..
and it works...

which means.. um... your services are no longer needed.... therefor.. who's to say

YOUR STUFF IS SAFE!!!

The Queen..

The Queen said...

except maybe I might need Da Teach for a little spelling and typo checks on my comments..

I wouldn't through those applications away just yet..

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