Wednesday, April 8, 2009

Back By Popular Demand

Okay... a few guidelines before you read this post
  1. This is 100% true story. This is in no way exagerated, embellished or otherwise fluffed up for your entertainment and amusement. These are actual emails that took place between my Uncle and me.
  2. Please pee, put down your hot beverage, and place pillows around your chair prior to reading this. I will not be held responsible for accidents or injuries.
  3. If this does not make you laugh you need to seek psychiatric help because you are seriously messed up in the head! I mean... I know my sense of humor is hard to get sometimes, but this is no frills, no special effects FUNNY!
I now present to you...
A few years ago when I could stand to speak with certain members of my family without the feeling that a lie detector was buzzing in my ear every 5 minutes, I decided I needed to send a letter to my Grandparents. Unfortunately, I'm lazy. The letters get written. The envelopes get addressed. And months later I find the sealed, stamped envelope at the bottom of a stack of papers. To assure my letter got to my Grandparent's I decided I would email it to my youngest Uncle as he lived 6 blocks away from them. I kindly asked him to deliver it for me. He did so and a few days later I got this message in my email.
Dear Niece,
I was more than happy to deliver your note to Ma & Pa. It arrived at our house okay. But, while driving across town, I ran over something that destroyed my tire before flying up and cutting my oil filter. I sat down my beer and changed my tire. Just as I was finishing, a cop pulled up to help. After seeing the open beer bottle, he started asking a lot of questions that I didn't have time, or desire to hear. This is when my friend "Bud" started thinking that we could out run said copper. About a mile down the road, Bud remembered the damaged oil filter. The loud knocking noise was the first hint. Bud and I discovered a Tracker will go about 1.4 miles with no oil. At this time, Bud is thinking, "Cops eat a lot of donuts, I'll bet we can out run him on foot." After only 3 or 4 steps, the nice copper tackled me on the ground. He offered me a ride and gave me some bracelets, so here is your bill for
delivering your letter!
1 tire...................................$ 67.45
1 oil filter............................$ 6.75
1 Motor installed................$1500.01
Bail.....................................$ 300.00
Fines...................................$ 700.03
Insurance Increase.............$3500.04
Uncle Auto
As you can guess, I could not help but respond accordingly:
Uncle Auto,
I have reviewed the bill you sent me very carefully and I have concluded the following:Goodyear tire estimates that the average motorist in North America travels about 12,000 miles each year. The delivery that I requested was appoximately a 1.2 mile drive. Considering that, the mechanical repairs on your vehicle should be reduced to 1/10,000th of the total. (approximately 16 cents) Considering you likely would have driven this distance regardless of whether you were delivering my letter or not, I feel that you are still responsible for 1/2 of the remaining cost. Making me responsible for 8 cents of your mechanical repairs.
Now let's address your criminal charges. The way I see it 99% of these charges should be blamed on your friend "Bud", who apparently gave you very ill advise in a time of crisis. Of the remaining 1%, I must hold you 99% responsible for listening to your friend as we all know he doesn't have the best history for good advice. The remaining 1% of that should be equally split between myself and your wife, whom obviously made you drink that beer. Thus, my conclusion in regards to your criminal costs is that Bud should be responsible for $3762.04, You should be responsible for $37.62. The remaining 39 cents should be split between me and your wife, making me responsible for 20 cents.
Finally, we will address the matter of your raised insurance in the amount of $3500.04. First, as insurance is based on the driving history of the insured drivers, we must first cut this amount in half and place half of the blame on your wife. This reduces said bill to $1750.02. Next, the way I see it is you have been driving for approximately 30 years which adds up to 10950 days. My letter was involved in just one of these days and therefor I feel I'm only responsible for 1/10950th of your driving history. Using these figures, I estimate that my responsiblity for your insurance costs are 16 cents.
The revised bill is as follows:
1 tire, 1 oil filter, 1 engine installed.............$0.08
bail, lawyer fees, & fines...........................$0.20
raised insurance cost...............................$0.16
Total cost to me.......................................$0.44
Now, normally, I make around $9.00 an hour giving advice to students and assisting with problems. Due to the fact that you have done so much free mechanical work for me in the past, I'm going to do you a favor and provide you with equally valuable advice for a flat rate of 44 cents.
First, I must recommend that you forget your wife is partially to blame for this misspent adventure and write it off as the price you pay for "marital bliss"
Secondly, though I don't think it will do you much good, you should send a bill to your friend "Bud" in the amount of $3762.04 for your criminal costs. Here, I must advise you that Bud is a bad role model for you. He is a bad influence on your fragile sensibilities and he will only lead you to further trouble in the future. Perhaps you should consider cutting all ties with him and find more positive influences in your life. Word on the street is that Bud is a bad guy. He's been seen in the company of many bad characters like Jack, Jose, and even the notorious Mary Jane. More often than not, he seems to be associated with criminal activities world wide. You need to find out who you are and stop letting Bud tell you who should be. I know you like Bud and he's fun to be around, but considering your history together I just don't think that he is a very good friend to you. How many nights has Bud spent in jail for you? Think about it.
Best Wishes,
Princess K
Clearly offended, Uncle Auto responded as follows:
In a shameless attempt to get out of paying a bill, you have attacked all my friends. After telling them about your comments, there replies were as follows:
  • Mary Jane said, "I need to weed out the bad kin and smoke 'em!"
  • Jose responded with "Senor Rojo been berry berry good!"
  • Jack thinks you hate him because he's black!
  • Then there's Bud. Bud cannot believe the terrible things you, a fellow horse lover, said about him. He wonders if you realize that a total disassociation with Bud would result in 5 majectic Cleidsdales starving to death? And wonders if you should be teaching our youths.
Till next time,
Uncle Auto
It was obvious that he was taking my efforts to help him as a personal attack on his friends. Anyone who knows my family can tell you that the only disease that can survive in our bloodstream is alcoholism. Knowing that the bond between him and his friends is very strong (and none of my family would be sobering up for an intervention) I decided to cut my losses and hope I didn't get any collection calls on the matter. No doubt, we are both better off since the severing of family ties. I no longer need to waste stamps or bandwidth on letters and Uncle Auto can no longer blame me for his misadventures.
Now you all understand why I'm so messed up in the head. Be sympathetic with me.


The Queen said...

ok.. peed when this was happening..
peed when you blogged it the first time

peed again .....

and I still need coupons for depends ... I'm just saying...

Chris said...

too funny Princess K. (((u)))

Anna Lefler said...

Hilarious! BWA-HA-HA!

Thanks for stopping by my blog today - I really appreciate that!

Take care...

:^) Anna

Farmer*swife said...

Too funny!

dani c said...

Ahh this was too funny..

Angela said...

HI-LAR-I-OUS!!! You two are very creative!!

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