Okay, put your inhaler down, I'm only going to be gone for a week and I'm sure that you can handle it. Let me rephrase that... I'm sure that you will not need psychiatric treatment due to my absense. Wait... let's try again. I'm sure that you will be able to handle your life without my banter to medicate you. No? Okay. Well, I'm sure that you will survive and welcome me back with open arms.
So why am I leaving you? Basically I just like to see you suffer! Not really! Actually, my Prozac stock is faltering and I need to increase my earnings. Unfortunately, I find I'm probably their best customer so I'm just trying to offset my own expenses here!
I'll be visiting the Fairy Godmother and Cletus (yeah, I've got no other nickname for him, if you met my Dad, you'd understand!)
I'm sure that the Ogre-Child will return from our vacation with this misinterpretation that the world should bow town and kiss her dirty toes and cater to her every whim. Spoiled? Not at all!! I mean, it's not like the kid got her first car at conception (thank you Grampa!). It's not like the child doesn't have ever stuffed animal, noise maker, outfit, or other random cool item on the market in the last year. NOOOOOOO! It's not like her room is exploding out into the rest of the home! No... she's not spoiled in the slightest!
So we're leaving Prince Charming to fend for himself, to make a 6 hour trip to the BOONDOCKS! When I say "boondocks" I mean, it's not the middle of nowhere, but you can see nowhere from the top of the hills. I mean, dial-up internet burns my ass but at least they have running water! I mean, watching the grass grow is their idea of "family fun"!
But I'm sure we'll have a great deal of fun. The Ogre-Child will be totally ENTHRALLED!!
Of course we have notified the proper authorities that my Mother & I will be in the same state. There's some stupid law on the books that says no two Fairy Tale Creatures may gather in the same location without proper licensing procedures. The FBI has staff on hand to handle this situation. I believe there will probably be a Federal Marshall stationed at the end of my Mother's driveway in case we get any bright ideas to terrorize society.
If I can work up the courage to brave dial-up internet, I'll try to pop in for a good old-fashion HOWDY, but I can't guarantee I have enough Prozac to handle dial-up without causing physical harm to my mother's computer. So if you don't hear from me, take a little extra medication, have a glass of wine and try not to let your alter-ego attack your loved ones.
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