Friday, July 25, 2008

My Aching Head!

"Why," you ask yourself, "is The Real Life Fairy Tale Princess still awake at 6 AM? I thought she went to bed over an hour ago!"

Well, I did! Which leaves the undying question of why I am now wide the FUCK awake and why the hell my head feels like a bowling ball slammed into it.

Thankfully, I have remained fully conscious and can answer these pressing questions for you!!

You see, the Ogre-Child, who can sleep on a 24-inch-wide couch for hours without moving enough to fall off, apparently CANNOT sleep on a KING SIZE BED! You see, I took the Demon Spawn of Hades to bed with me a while ago. I tucked her in (I should clarify... 'untucked her in' as she does not approve of havingblankets touching her body while she sleeps) and kissed her sweet sleeping face. I then lay down beside her on the bed.

As usual, it takes me about 15 minutes to get comfortable in the bed and another 10 minutes or so to actually doze off.

Jut as the traces of Dreamland are starting to wisp behind my eyelids, the Ogre-Child (in her sleep) squirms herself far enough across the bed to realize that Prince Charming is not there. Suddenly, awake and lost in the darkness she cries! Yanking me horrifically back from Dreamland like a choke chain. I grab the Ogre-Child, move her back to the middle of the bed, kiss her sweet face and begin the process of finding my way back to Dreamland. Fifteen minutes later, I am awakened by the same, horrified cry of a lost Ogre-Child. Again, I repeat the process and try to drift off to sleep.

This scenerio repeats a half a dozen times. When finally, as I'm laying back down on the 2-inches of mattress the Ogre-Child permits me to occupy...


My head makes solid contact with the corner of my nightstand!

I am now crying... the Ogre-Child is crying because all she knows is that somewhere in the pitch dark of our room, I am crying. After a few seconds, the pain subsides enough to comfort the Ogre-Child. Unfortunately, by now, I am fully aware of my surroundings and all I can think about is that I could really use a cigarette.

So I abandon the Ogre-Child on the bed and retreat to the computer for one last smoke.

Halfway through my cigarette, the child appears in the livingroom, weepy and tired. What did she do? Crawled up on the 24-inch couch and went to sleep.

So now, I'm going to try this process ONE LAST TIME!!

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A Real Life Fairy Tale Princess

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