This is sooo a no brainer!!
I'm the FORTUNE TELLER!!
It's an art I have. I just know what is going to happen before it actually does. I'll give you some examples:
- "Darling Ogre-Child, I know you think you are an expert acrobat... but if you insist on climbing up on the back of the couch... you will eventually fall and bump your head." . . . "Told you so!"
- "Prince Charming, if you leave that soda on the edge of the coffee table, your daughter is going to knock it off before it's empty!" . . . "Just as I suspected!"
- "Self . . . I know you like to read in bed, but you realize that sooner or later your book-eating Ogre-Child will find the stash of books on the corner of the nightstand. And no one will be awake to stop her from having her fill." . . . "What a suprise!"
- "Random student . . . you know that I am a very nice teacher, but if you insist on handing in late work and not doing some reading outside of class, you aren't going to have a very good grade in my class!" . . . "When report cards go out tomorrow, you'll be convinced!"
- "Resident with unruley grandchildren . . . you are not MY neighbor so I could care less what you do, but if you continue to allow your grandchildren to peek in the windows of the neighbor's apartments while they play outside unsupervised, the landlord will right you up." . . . "Need I say more?"
- "Insomniac Alter Ego . . . You know that the Ogre-Child is laying down for a two-hour nap and you should either clean the house or nap with her. Because when she wakes up she will not allow anything to be put away, will make 3 times the mess if you leave the room to clean up another mess, and will not go to sleep until 3 AM!" . . . "I hate being right!"
- "Dear Fly . . . While I fully support your right to live free and careless, I do believe if you buzz my head like a kamakaze pilot one more time I will splatter your inards into the crevices of my flyswatter!" . . . "They just never learn!"
- "Dear Spider . . . Yes, I am terrified of you. You are completely right to believe that I will not get close enough to you to kill you with a flyswatter or shoe. However, if you are still in that same spot when I get back from the bathroom, I guarantee that the super-strength, extra-freeze, glue-your-fingers-to-your-head hairspray I own will quickly clog your pores and freeze you in a close enough to dead state that I can shovel you onto a paper and flush you down the toilet." . . . "So sorry I couldn't convince you that I own hairspray just to kill spiders!"
- "Dear Ex-Family . . . While I do support the idea that funerals are simply a part of life, I chose NOT to attend the funeral of my 31-year-old second cousin. Had I believed that my presence at the funeral would have eased the pain of myself or those I love, I might have attended. However, I still would NOT have believed that it was any place for me to bring my 1-year-old Ogre-Child. Had I been forced to bring her, I would not have felt it was appropriate for you to choose a funeral to snap a picture of your 5 great-grandchildren!! Had you dared asked me, I would have vocally expressed that not only was this NOT the time or place for family photos, MY CHILD would NEVER be included in one of YOUR family photos." . . . "Okay, so I can't confirm this 100% because I did not attend. However, I'm still 99% certain this is how it would have taken place!"
I could write a novel on the predictions I have made
And to prove that my predictions apply even outside the influence of those I know personally, I will make some general predictions that I know you will attest to.
- The individual driving precisely 3 mph faster than you desire to drive while on a four lane highway, will immediately begin driving 3 mph slower than you desire the minute traffic merges to two lanes and passing him is no longer possible!
- When paying cash for a purchase, you will always find that the change in your purse is equal to the total cents on the purchase, minus one coin.
- Nine times out of ten, while digging for your keys on the way to the parking lot. You will find the exact coin you needed to make even change for your purchase.
- When making back to back cash purchases, you will find that the change recieved from purchase A will be exactly 5 cents short of the change required for purchase B.
- If you decide that you are too tired to fill up the gas tank on your way home from work, but know you must fill it before you leave the next morning, you will find that come the next morning, you are either running 5 minutes late, or it will be raining!!
- When working on a project for another person you will find that if you complete it on time, the person who requested it will not ask for it until the following day. However, if you put it off until the last minute, the person will call you 30 minutes before you start the final touches and ask if they can pick it up over in 15 minutes!
And if you aren't convinced of my powers by now, you are clearly a NON-BELIEVING SKEPTIC who shouldn't be reading about my fortune telling skills in the first place!
Thanks for the quarter... here's your fortune . . .
"Man who stand on toilet is HIGH on POT!"