Saturday, May 2, 2009

May Day! May Day!

Okay, I think I'm finally sober enough feeling well enough to post. I know you are all just dying to know how my week went!! You didn't think the Queen was telling the truth did you? tattle tale

Last Friday I looked at a house for the Queen and Dad. It's a pretty cool house and in case she hasn't noticed yet, I thought I'd mention the price has dropped. Needs some work, but definitely doable (the house, not my MOM!)

After that, I paid all the past due bills. Last thing I wanted was to get stuck out of the state with no insurance and no cell phone only to come home to no electricity. Definitely would have put me in a sour mood.

Then, we loaded up the chariot and headed North to our motel. All appeared to be going well, until the INFESTATION!! That's right... the hotel put my parents in an ANT INFESTED ROOM (and they knew it!!) Go figure the whole hotel was filled. PC and I were willing to move upstairs to let the folks have our room. Just as we made this decision we noticed that our room was ALSO INFESTED!!
How fast can you say refund? Just ask the man at the check-in counter. It took about 36 seconds for me to get rooms at the neighboring motel.
The perk? The rooms were $7 cheaper per night and the pool was 10 degrees warmer! PROPS!! The best part is I could not for the life of me figure out why the cashiers at both motels were acting so meek and overly-cooperative. I wasn't being pissy or disgruntled, and yet they acted as if I had potential to become so. It did not dawn on me until I looked in the mirror of our new motel room. I was wearing my new pink t-shirt. Across the front of it, it says:

I'M A BITCH.

What's your excuse?

On another note... PC and I went out for a nice dinner... some place called "Misty's". Fancy smancy shit. We got Crab patties (delicious). Salad and Clam Chowder (yum yum!). PC got King Crab (MMmmmm) and I got rotten crab pussy on pasta Crab Asiago!! *vomits in the waitress's shoe* WTF is that shit?!?! ASS? It smelled bad. It looked bad. And... you guessed it... It tasted like crap!! Not exaggerating here... I made PC try it. The instant it hit his tongue he gagged and spit it on a plate (totally NOT like him!). I asked if I should be polite and he replied, "Hell NO! You ask her what is in it so you never risk tasting that again!" I'd have asked for a refund but the stench was clouding my senses.
On Saturday, the wedding was (of course) beautiful... but I'm sort of biased! Couldn't help but giggle that flower girl #1 (groom's daughter) made it as far as her mother before freaking out in tears and FG #2 (bride's daughter) made it a third of the way down the aisle before becoming infatuated with her basket and stopped to play. It 1) was adorable, 2) proved "the best laid plans" and 3) reminded me why there's no point in sweating the small stuff.

The reception was great. The guest list is a whole different story At least it was for about 65 minutes after that the drinks kicked in and then I have no clue

Drink #1
I purchased my first drink when I assessed the company I'd be spending 4 hours among while they cut the cake. After being totally SNUBBED by Uncle Auto a man in a coconut bra really shouldn't act "better" than others that drink didn't last long.
Drink #2
I recall telling Cousin Happily Divorced that he was getting old if I was beating him to the second drink! After this, I got the nerve to go talk to relatives who were sitting with EX-relatives. (I admit, I was intentionally being an ass).
Drink #3
I clearly remember Cousin Happily Divorced buying me another drink to celebrate his recent divorce since I'm the only one in HIS family that can happily relate to that. After this drink, I made a point of actually SPEAKING to the Queen's EX-father. I grinned to myself at the fact that I intentionally called him "Dick" over and over again (are you sure your name's Richard? Because you look like a Dick to me!)
Drink #4.5
I vaguely recall PC returning to the table with two drinks. One of which he gave to me and the other he used to refill my cup when I wasn't looking. I am NOT paranoid! At some point after this they kidnapped the bride for a ransom. To which I told her father "They don't know this family to well. We don't NEGOTIATE WITH TERRORISTS!!"
Drink #5 (aka Drink #7)
I ordered one last drink before we left. I swear it was #5, but my relatives were determined that it was closer to #7. What do those drunks know? It's not like my cousin was holding me up. I didn't fall out the front door of the reception hall. I DID find myself intentionally talking to people I hate. But I was still sober enough to walk away telling my cousin "I even hate these people when I'm drunk."

I personally find it hilarious that they are now all scratching their balls heads trying to decide whether I like them or am a hateful bitch. Plus, the one person who wouldn't talk to me (Uncle Auto) looks like a total ass because I made a point of telling them how everyone had spoken to me nicely except him. I think some people there will chalk my "friendliness" up to my mother being the problem. Other's will chalk it up to my drunkenness. But in all honestly, I was barely more than tipsy all night. I talked to everyone for the following reasons:
  • I wanted to make the bride happy. It was her day.
  • I wanted to fuck with their brains.
  • I was taking a survey of "Who's a Total Fuckhead in my Family?" (They're still all fuckheads, but Uncle Auto is the only TOTAL FUCKHEAD!)
  • It was win-win for me. Those who WISH I liked them got fooled. Those who WISH I wouldn't speak to them were uncomfortable. And those who I LOVE were happy that I put forth an effort.

Needless to say, Mission Accomplished!

In case you are curious, my flavor of the evening was Crown and Coke in 12 oz. glasses wonderfully mixed.

Props to me because my entire 2009 alcohol consumption (pre-reception) has consisted of 1 Pina Colada on my birthday. And one bottle of Bud 4 weeks ago. I'm such a LUSH! This many drinks in one night four hours SHOULD have kicked my ass. Fortunately, I am blessed to only get hangovers from one night stands beer and despite being up every hour with a sick kiddo, I was smiling at breakfast at 7:45. (Please note I get bonus points for being up before my two habitually drunk male cousins despite holding my own against their drinking prowess!)

All in all... Saturday was great! Unfortunately, the OC caught a cold which she happily shared with the rest of the family. So PC and I were sick Sunday and Monday. Tuesday was uneventful as I worked and napped. Wednesday I vegetated on an extra day off. Thursday was a blur. And here we are at Friday already (now Saturday morning). The week has breezed by and I have accomplished absolutely NADA... (unless you count my reception havoc)

Here's wishing you all a wonderful blog-er-ific weekend. I'll see if I can catch up with you all and get back into the swing of things. In the event that I can't, please make a note of the ticker ticking away in the top right corner of my blog. I may be busy next week!

4 comments:

Granny Nanny said...

Glad you had a good time!

The Queen said...

I did not see that the price had dropped,, the one in the other town.(the town I drive through last to see you) has also dropped in price..but I do not like it as well..

and..as far as the weekend.....


YOU LIE...you were hammered...

Kelly Dawn said...

way to make the family sweat princess! I love it!! We could so be sisters :)

Kelly

Life with Kaishon said...

You are SO so SO funny! The shirt is hilarious! I can't even imagine serving a customer with a shirt like that... Really hilarious : ).

The flower girl stories were so sweet too. I like flower girls that mess up. They are cuter than perfect ones : ).

I am glad you had a semi great time! Any time that involves a pina colada has to be good!

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