I've been kidnapped!!

Shh... don't be so loud!! Do you know how hard it is to steal a laptop from Santa's workshop? No... of course you don't... you also don't know what it's like to be force-fed fruit cakes and have Christmas tree ornaments removed from horrible places!

OH THE HUMANITY!!

Here in Santa's workshop, the elves have gone crazy!! I got this stupid toy-painting-elf drunk on egg nog so I could sneak away for a minute. Might wanna have those Christmas toys tested for lead paint... he kinda looks like he might be Chinese!! But seriously... with all the toys Santa has to deliver, it's no surprise he seeks out cheap labor!!

A little secret... Santa has all the "underground" criminals in his back pocket. Seriously... the Columbians are helping him sneak the toys across borders unsuspected, Italian big wigs are keeping him out of the IRS's radar, and I'll just let you guess who taught him how to get in and out of all of our homes undetected.

Anyway... so not the point. Between decorating the North Pole for the BIG DAY and 10,000 trips to town to pick up AA batteries, I'm beat. Not to mention the reindeer stables!! Trust me... if you're on the naughty list... that isn't COAL in your stocking!!

So I'm hoping things will simmer down around here soon so I can get back to my warm, cozy palace. God only knows how many more times I'll be able to dodge the horny elf that's running around with the mistletoe (SICK BASTARD ANYWAY!!)

But I'm dropping a quick note to let you all know that I do love you and miss you and if you find me under your Christmas tree with a tranquilizer dart in my ass will you please call the Queen and let her know when you'll be able to FedEx me home!!