Disney Oversight #5

THERE ARE NO BUTLERS AND CHEFS IN REAL LIFE!!

And tragically, there is a rarely mentioned disease from which I suffer... it's called KITCHENITIS!! That's right... I'm severly allergic to kitchens!! I break out in hives, chapped hands, suds-covered clothing, shortness of breath, and start seeing spots. Prolonged exposure to the kitchen area causes me to break out in a severe case of taurets (sp?) that would make a sailor blush! I have no doubt that if I did not take the proper precautions to exit he kitchen as quickly as possible, anaphalactic (sp?) shock would soon follow!!

That being said, I'd like to point out one misconception... I CAN COOK!! However... I hate it so much, I rarely allow Prince Charming the satisfaction of this wonder. He has been known to break out the video camera just to prove I do go in the kitchen. I believe the last time he did this, he asked "Are you okay?" To which I quickly responded with, "No, I can feel my nipples chafing!" And as if it isn't funny enough the first time, try stumbling across that video on your computer hard drive 3 months later. Clean up in office supplies please!!!

It should be very clear to you by now that if you find a frilly apron in my home, it should be folded neatly in the lingerie drawer!!

HOWEVER, in honor of Mr. Lady's Holiday Recipe contest I am going to post my favorite recipe to make. Notice, I said favorite to MAKE. That is code for "this is so flipping easy ANYONE can do it." Granted, it does involve my second least favorite kitchen activity (the #1 least favorite is dishes) and that is sticking my hands into raw meat. Despite that, the torment is brief and the satisfaction is worth it.

So here's the recipe:

EASY PEASY MEATLOAF
(STOLEN FROM A MAGAZINE I GOT 3 YEARS AGO)
Ingrediants:
1 cup water
1/4 cup beef gravy
2 lbs ground beef
1 pkg Stovetop
2 eggs beaten

Preheat over to 400 degrees
Mix ingrediants
Shape into 4 loaves on foil-covered baking sheet
Bake 30 minutes or until cooked through

Serve up with some mash potatoes and extra gravy and you've got a quick, easy meal!!

We usually cut the recipe in half and add 10-15 minutes to the cook time b/c I'm a WELL DONE girl when it comes to hamburger. Sometimes, in a bind (i.e. no canned gravy) we substitute sour cream for the gravy and it turns out well. We NEVER have leftovers (and that is definately a rarity in this house)

I've fed this to family and friends (without killing them) and I've shared it with others. Everyone who has tried it loves it and it's so easy it's just sickening. Read more ...

Disney Oversight #4

Ever notice how in the Disney movies, the young couple always spends at least one sweet night under the stars wide awake and in love?

What a load of crap! In Real Life, once you are old enough to stay out late enough under the stars without worrying that your father will come banging on the side of the flying carpet, one of two things happens. You're either ten sheets to the wind and the necking has come and gone by the time the stars come out. OR You're totally exhausted and you only know what the stars look like because you stared out your bedroom window in an insomniac-induced coma!!

I've come to the conclusion that either I need to discuss my insomnia with my doctor, or see a therapist about why I willingly torture myself by staying up on the internet well after most life forms have curled up for the night. I'm not sure if I can't sleep or don't want to sleep because I haven't tried to sleep!

And why? Is Fairy Tale Land really so exciting that Imust be certain not to miss the slightest of events and happenings? Well, not after midnight Central time it isn't. You'd think with numerous bloggers and numerous time zones, someone would be awake to entertain me. But alas, the whole world sleeps while I sip a cocktail and twitter my fingers on a keyboard, filling the screen with mindless Fairy Tale Princess gibberish and garble.

Do I feel a desperate need to log my every minute on the computer? Not really, I just finished 6 relatively entertaining posts about my commenters and they are auto-tuned to entertain you for the next 2 1/2 days. I could take a break and read THE BOOK, if I so desired.

And yet, with the drone of working life returning on Monday, I should be trying to train my brain back into the routine of a semi-normal sleep arrangement. Sadly, I feel a desperate need to sap every second of spare time all to myself rather than waste it on such frivilous things as sleep.

The Ogre-Child sleeps silently on the couch within arms reach. I just popped open a new can of caffinated beverage. And I've lost track of how many cancer sticks I've sucked down because I smoke mindlessly when on the computer. I can work 8-12 hours without one. I can read for 3 hours without one. I can sit through a 2 hour movie without one. But put me in a car or in front of this mind-warping screen and they shrivel to ashes before I'm satisfied. Figure that one out.

So not the point. The point is "WHY IS EVERYONE ELSE ASLEEP?" Don't you know "It's sweeter after midnight!"? Seriously, get with the program here. This is one Disney misconception that we need to make happen!!

I challenge you to blog one post after midnight!! (Auto-scheduling is cheating!!)

A Real Life Fairy Tale Princess

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Disney Oversite #3

Ever seen that Disney movie about this guy Rob and his beloved appliances?

Am I the only one totally freaked out by it? I realize that Disney made Rob's appliances out to be these brave items that do amazing things. However, it makes me wonder what kind of appliances are in my house. And frankly, that creeps me out!!!

So here is the REAL LIFE cast of appliances and what they might say to me!!

• Toaster: "Bitch! You do realize there is a tray on the bottom of me that needs emptied once in a while, right? I swear, if you don't wipe these greasy, margerine finger prints off my chrome I'm going to kill you!! What's that? You want your bread lightly toasted? I want you to stop storing the bread loaf on top of me!! Have a fucking black hockey puck you bitch!!"
• Lampy: "BULBS!! Do you even know I have THREE bulb sockets? Would it kill you to dust the shade once a year? And have you ever heard of flipping the switch OFF when you're done with me? There you are sleeping in a pitch dark bedroom while I stand out here shining away like some queer fuck in the middle of a hick bar!! I hope my cord shorts out and electricutes you the next time you reach for the switch!!"
• Radio: "I run on batteries!! You know that dipshit!! So tell me why it is that you never have the right kind of batteries on hand? And what's so great about that damn box on your desk? So it's got all the music you want to listen to!! Ever hear of nostalgia? I hope your computer crashes and you lose your entire 1500 song collection. WHORE!!"
• Blanky: "WASH ME!! No seriously! I'm begging you! Just once! Could you at least get me wet? I'd settle for a spray bottle! Some Febreeze!! Anything!! PLEASE!!!! You bath that stupid brat of yours, the least you could do is clean me!! How do you sleep? I'm gagging on my own B.O. and you're sawing logs. If you don't at least shake me out this week, I'm going to wrap you up and smother you in your sleep!!"
• Kirby: "Stop calling me that! My name is Eureka!! And for fuck's sake, please clean my filter. It's bad enough I have to choke on your second hand ashes and dead skin cells, the least you could do is give me a clean face mask now and then. And to hell with this sucking up food particles. If I have to suck up one more piece of cheerio, graham cracker, or stray vegetable, I'm going to spit it back out! I hope it ricochets off the table and lands in your mouth!"
• T.V.: "Porn! Gimme Porn! Can we get the Playboy Channel! C'mon. I heard what happened to the last T.V.! You broke him!! The least you could do is let me get my jollies off a few more times before you kick me to the curb for a newer model. That's right! I hear you talking late at night when the rest of the house is sleeping! I know what you plan to do to me. You're sending me to the appliance store in the sky the first chance you get! Just give me porn!! PLLLLLEEEEEEAAAAASSSSEEE!! This Saturday-night Showtime fluff isn't cutting it for me. I can see the computer across the room! It gets porn!! Why can't I have porn? That computer's a piece of shit!! You're kicking it to the curb long before me!! C'mon, it wouldn't kill you! You don't even have to watch it. Just pop it in and go read a book or something! I'm begging you!! I swear, if I don't get porn soon I'm going to scramble the channels and delete the on screen guide. See how fucked you are then!!"
• Plugsy: "Why the hell do I have a permanent butt plug? I'm okay with you sticking shit in my holes now and then to get your jollies off, but all of the sudden theirs a kid in the house and I've got these permanent plugs in my ass? That's messed up! Go ahead! Try to take it out and see how far I shoot you across the room!! You try spending a year with something stuck in your rear and see if you don't need to let off a little steam when it finally comes out!!"
• Car: "Chug-a-lug, Chug-a-lug... makes you wanna holler HHHHIIII-DEEEEE- HOOOOEE! Burns yours tummy don't you know. Chug-a-lug, Chug-a-lug!!!" *hiccup* Note -Damn thing's always too drunk to make any sense! All I know is it bounces down the road like it's had a few too many. She looks halfway decent and is always there when I need her, but damn she's an expensive date!! Fucking LUSH!!

Needless to say, that movie makes me want to sleep with one eye open!!

A Real Life Fairy Tale Princess Read more ...

Disney Oversite #2

Ever notice how in the Disney version, the table cloth is always straight, the candles burn even and the food is never burnt?

Makes me sick!!

Speaking of sick... I want to see one of the Disney Princesses with a sick child in tote.

Here's how my week has gone...

Day 1: Child has runny nose and random sneezing. Gets to sleep at 3AM after much screaming and fussing.

Day 2: Child seems fine all day. Starts random coughing 2 hours before bedtime. Gets to sleep at 4AM after much screaming and fussing.

Day 3: Child seems even better, but considering the previous night, The Real Life Fairy tale Princess calls her doctor. The nurse says if she isn't better tonight she needs to be seen tomorrow. 2 hours after clinic closes, child get leaky eyes. Gets to sleep at 5AM after much screaming and fussing.

Day 4: Child has 11AM appointment. We arrive 10 minutes early. After 20 minutes in the lobby we are taken to a small room. There is no child thermometer. Head scan says 97.4 degrees. Odd considering she's clearly sick. Shrug, no big deal, I didn't think she was ever running a fever. At 11:45 the nurse comes in. Looks at the child's matted eyes. Looks at both ears. Holds her down and checks her throat. And then declares,

"She has conjunctive pink eye in BOTH eyes and an ear infection in
her right ear. Eyedrops for her eyes, clean with warm water.
Antibiotics for the ear infection. Oh yeah, and pink eye is generally
extremely contagious so you'll want to be really careful and do a lot of
hand-washing. Have a nice day!"

Drive home, send Prince Charming to grab Rx since he's in town still.

Next Step: Pick up the phone and cancel my anniversary plans for tomorrow since I doubt Auntie Snow White wants all of the dwarves to get pink eye at the beginning of the school year.

And why is this sort of thing not included in Disney movies? I certainly find it entertaining, amusing, and hell, depending on how long they drug it out, it could be a series!!

A Real Life Fairy Tale Princess

-:¦:---``--...--``--...--`__..--``--...--``--...-:¦:-

Dear Mommie & Daddie,

I know it's your special day, but I really wanted to spend it with you. I'm too young to get a job and buy you both a present so I'm giving you pink eye also. Hope you like your present.

Love,
Ogre-Child Read more ...

Disney Oversite #1

I don't care how pretty she is, how much makeup they put on her, or how great her compassion and personality are - no fairy tale princess is immune to the effects of Mother Nature on the female body. Disney fails to show you what Princess Belle looks like the first day of the month when her legs ache, her back feels like someone's trying to rip her spine out and there's still an Ogre-Child to feed, dress, bathe, and otherwise tend to.

So currently, Prince Charming is cowering in the corner while the Ogre-Child shoves crayons up her nose because The Real Life Fairy Tale Princess is cursing the Wicked Sorceress who made her born a female. Two Super-Potion Tylenol from now, I might gather enough ambition to brush my teeth.

In the mean time, I'm going to wallow in my own self-pity. Tonight, the Ogre-Child can probably do anything she wants. As long as she doesn't try to drown herself in the toilet bowl, I probably won't jump up to stop her.

A Real Life Fairy Tale Princess Read more ...